Jaani Dushman - Ek Anokhi Kahani (fo sho!)

Jaani Dushman is, without doubt, the most fitting tribute to Indian cinema, encompassing everything it stands for – There is mythology, tales of friendship, strong family ties, pure, malice-free love, rape attempts, the villain transforming into a Terminator inspired metallic dude, his ability to change form, run on water, fly on a bike, etc etc. The director must have, I imagine, though of giving the film everything he could – only he ended up giving it so much that the audience just could not take it, and the janitors had to be called to remove them from the aisles where they were rolling from laughter. Not all of them though. Some had to be given medical help, while others are expected to come out of their comas very soon.


This Rajkumar Kohli movie is a hybrid of sorts of two movies, Nagin and Jani Dushman, which came out in the 70’s and were made by the same guy. The movie is about a group of 40 year old college going…err.. ‘kids’, namely Sunny Deol, Suniel Shetty, Akshay Kumar, Arshad Warsi, Sonu Nigam, Manisha Koirala (who definitely looks pregnant), Rambha and other assorted “actors” (yea, right!) trying to save their careers through this multi starrer and extremely ambitious movie. If only they knew…..Anyhow, so yea, Sunny and Manisha are in love, but there are certain bad elements in the group, read: Rajat Bedi and Siddharth, who try to sexually molest Manisha ( I swear, at her size, she’d be the one molesting them!!). They get caught, and after the customary dhishum dhishum, thanks to Sunny and co., they ask for forgiveness. This is the dialogue between the group of friends that ensues:

“Shetty: Come on Divya, maaf kar de galti kisi se bhi ho sakti hai.
Monisha: Agar ye harkat kisi ne Priety ke saath ki hoti to tum kya karte.
Shetty: Haath paar tod deta, lekin filhaal tumse haath jodke maafi mang rahe hain yaar. Maaf karde
Akshay Kumar: Divya, ek baat kahe tum jaisi khoobsurat ladki ko dekhkar ek mare hue aadmi ka bhi dil dhadak uthe fir to ye jeete jaagte naujawan hain inka kya haal hoga.
Sonu Nigam: Divya, jahan sab log tumhe itna mana rahe hain, wahan tumhe man lena chahiye. Naheen to hum samjhenge tumhe aapni khoobsoorati pe kuch zyada garoor hain. Come on please…maaf kar do unhe.”
Hmm, the ideal conversation after a rape attempt..…..True Friends. Where would we be without them?


The Coup de Grace, though, are the special effects. Matrix and Terminator are taken to be the benchmarks by the director, and he pulls of the Great Indian Cop – y Trick, by cheap reshoots of stunts, which leave your palms sweaty and your brain numb. Mostly because you were repeatedly hitting your brain with those palms for allowing yourself to watch this travesty.


So the baddies finally do get to violate Manisha (try, try and try…..eh?), and she commits suicide. But then comes the big twist. Unknown to everybody, and I’m sure the when the story narration took place, even the director, Manisha was an icchadhari Nagin in her past life, and had a lover, Munish Kohli, who was also suffering from the ichhadhari Serpent Syndrome. They led a good life, dancing on the mountains, hissing their way into each other’s hearts. But their dancing led to a sage’s home getting caved in (I would come up with more Fat Manisha jokes, but what’s the point?). The angry sage, Amrish Puri, holds Manisha responsible (obviously…talk about wisdom), and curses her to die. The crawly couple ask for forgiveness in a heart melting display of remorse, they play head drums for the angry sage, basically involving beating big rocks with their heads, while singing songs of forgiveness. He relents to some extent, and allows them to re- hook up in the 21st century. Phew!!

So its 21st century, the serpent lover is back, only to find she is dead, once again. However she lives on in spirit, and blames all her male friends for her death, vowing to avenge it. Which her former lover is too happy to do for her. Sigh….needless to say, they all start dying one by one until only Sunny and step brother Sonu are left. Their college principal, Raj Babbar, a catholic priest and yet somehow a follower of pagan rituals, helps Sunny defeat the enemy. What a story!


Watch it for what it is, a sci-fi action thriller that ended up being a comedy. Widely acknowledged to be the worst movie ever made, it goes really well if you have reached dizzying heights of boredom and want to chill with friends and a beer. Watch out for the beer coming out of your nostrils, though.